I hate how everything my husband does is purported, by him, as being better than everyone else. How he makes himself seem like a prodigy, genius, and savior all at once. All the while I’m dragging my butt around struggling to get the dishes and laundry done, some slight form of composure found in the house, meals made so he doesn’t think it is okay to eat out all the time, run errands such as get groceries without his help when he is too busy to be around. I take care of everything, but it’s okay because it’s apparently my 24/7 job to do so. Because I can’t work outside of the house. Because I don’t contribute enough or monetarily. There are many days I loathe him with such a passion that I would desperately divorce him if I could. But he has already told me he would make the experience the worst and as horrible as he could. He would try to take my kids from me. He would drag it out in court. He would do his best to hurt me, and by hurting me he would hurt the kids. He would wage a battle against me. He has a lot of problems with me not putting out sexually. I don’t do this or that or have the time to wait on him hand and foot.
So he does whatever he wants despite knowing what’s best for our family and already having promised to do what we agreed was best. He changed his mind. He talked himself and the circumstances up till I turned blue in the face. So far nothing has turned out like he kept saying it would. Nothing. And we are now living with my mother because we are in a precarious position financially. We have bills but have no idea how they will get paid. I am so stressed out over it that I just want to cry constantly. I would be job hunting right now but I have to breastfeed my son every two hours until we figure out how to get him more independent than being attached to me 24/7. It’s so frustrating. I want to scream. I want to knock my head against a wall until the world rights it’s self and everything is okay again. Right now it’s not. It won’t be for the indeterminate future. And that is my daily life. 😣